


You Can't Call Dibs

by 0m3g4



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Inappropriate Humor, Interrogation, Post Season 15, Recovery One Washington, Swearing, Torture, seriously don't take Wash's stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13164777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0m3g4/pseuds/0m3g4
Summary: Washington lost something and Grif called dibs.





	You Can't Call Dibs

**Author's Note:**

> This just popped into my head. It is short and to the point.

Here Grif was yet again, tied down to a chair in a dark room surrounded by assholes.  
He spat out some blood onto the floor, "Do your worst old man."  
     "I'm not that old damn it!" Washington slammed the butt of his rifle into his stomach. "Just tell me where you put it and we can get this over with!" His voice was going shrill with stress.  
     "It fell off." He spit again, "I called dibs. Dibs bitch!"  
     "You can't call dibs just because it fell off!"

Carolina and Sister sat off to the side laughing.  
     "Seriously Kai, you could help me out!"  
     "Sorry Dex. I know the rules of bondage- no go till you say the safe word."  
     "There is no safe word! I've been kidnapped and being tortured!"  
     "Oh please." Simmons chimed in. "You have a high threshold for pain. How many times have you been shot, stabbed, ran over by a warthog, Sarge's daily beatings...etcetera?" He was trying to count on his fingers the injuries the orange soldier received over the years; he was going to have to take off his shoes.  
     "Yeah! And remember the time when the elephant sat on you?" Kai giggled, "He was so fat, you couldn't tell where Grif ended and the elephant's ass began!" She slapped her knee laughing.  
     "Just you wait till I get loose Kai, you'll be sorry!" He struggled in his bindings. "And you Carolina! I'm your teacher! Doesn't that amount to anything? Like fucking loyalty?"  
     "Sorry Grif." She was wiping the tears from her eyes. "The first thing you taught me is to not involve myself in fights that aren't my own."  
     "The volleyballs wouldn't treat me like this!"

Washington groaned as he rubbed his temples. "This isn't getting me anywhere. Bring in...Caboose!"  
     "No! Not that!" He grunted and fought in the chair. "That will take fucking hours! Dinner is in ten minutes!"  
     "Tell me where you put it and you can eat!"  
     "I don't negotiate with terrorists." he deadpanned.  
     "I...fuck it, Caboose-"  
     "Hello!" He took his helmet off and skipped up to the agitated agent. "You need me agent washingtub?"  
     "What did you eat for lunch?"  
     "Oh yes...um...eggs salad, radishes, that broccoli and cabbage soup Carolina made..."  
     "Please no! I can smell his breath from here!"  
The evil grin Wash was wearing scared Grif. "Caboose, I want you to recite the alphabet for our dear friend Grif."  
Sitting down in front of the orange soldier, Caboose did what he was told. "There once was a little letter named A..."  
     "Make it stop!"  
     "And he was friends with the letter B!"  
     "It isn't worth it!" He began to gag.  
     "They had a picnic with the letter C!"  
     "You can have mine!"  
     "And they went to the park with E!"  
     "D goddamnit!"  
     "Aw...I messed up. Got to start over again!"  
     "Fuck!" He began to rock back in forth in the chair trying to tip it over and hopefully hit his head.  
Concussion sleep was the best sleep of all.  
Carolina squared her fingers and looked through them, "I don't know, don't think Grif's would fit you Wash. Yeah...it would be far too big."  
     "Hmm...The angry cop's is smaller." Kai looked through Carolina's hands. "Could bounce a quarter off that bad boy."  
They sat there giggling.  
     "I am so glad you two are so amused." Wash huffed. "Just give me back my armor piece and you are free to go do what you do best...which is bitch and moan while eating while probably sleeping."  
     "You all can go to hell!" He slumped in the restraints, hair falling across his eyes. "I called dibs mother fucker."  
     "Again, you can't call dibs!"  
Simmons groaned, "Seriously Grif! This isn't worth your freaky collection!"  
     "Simmons! Seriously shut the fuck up!"

Tucker strolled in the room holding a piece of metal. "Can anyone tell me why an ass plate was in the motor housing of our warthog?"  
Growling, Wash grabbed the armor piece and walked out of the room in a huff as the rest of the room erupted in laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> I know...it's awful and my brain is diseased. I am also aware my spirit animal is rabid. Thought they were telling me it was a rabbit all these years. *shrugs*


End file.
